Carrie: Eat Your Heart Out, DePalma
by orangegypsy
Summary: A Scary Movie-esque Version of Carrie
1. Default Chapter

Here is a little taste of my next project. A scary movie-esque version of  
Carrie.  
  
Girls: (Chanting, laughing, and throwing sanitary napkins)  
Ms. Collins: (Runs in and starts shaking Sue Snell) What's going on??  
Sue: (Laughing) It's Carrie. She just (Laughing)  
Ms. Collins: What's going on?? (Shakes Sue and Backhands her)  
Sue: Carrie got her period.  
Ms. Collins: What's going on?? (Backhands Sue and then punches her)  
Sue: Um. I just told you. Carrie just got her period.  
Ms. Collins: What's going on?? (Lifts up Sue over her head and throws her  
into the  
lockers. She goes through the crowd of girls, shoving them out of the way  
then runs out of her way to body check another girl out of the way. She  
stands in front of Carrie) Alright. Everyone get out! Everyone gets slavery  
duty because I hate all you bitches.. I mean.detention. because I hate all  
you bitches.  
***Scene Change: The Principles Office. Carrie is sitting at Principle Mort  
Grayle's desk and Ms. Collins is pacing behind the desk***  
Principle: We're all very sorry about what happened Cassie.  
Ms. Collins: It's Carrie  
Principle: (Presses button and wild attack sheep fall from the ceiling and  
drag her off) . That'll teach you to correct me. Now, if you'd like, you  
are excused from gym class for the rest of the month. Just take study hall  
instead. Would you like me to call you a cab, Becky?  
Ms. Collins: (crawls in all bloody with fleece stuck to her) Actually,  
Carrie only lives a few blocks away.  
Principle: (Presses button and more sheep fall from the ceiling, dragging  
her off) She just doesn't learn. Anyhow, Hannah, we're very sorry about the  
whole ideal.  
Carrie: IT'S CARRIE! (Carrie storms out of the room, as an ashtray flies  
into the wall)  
Principle: Wow. I could have sworn that the ashtray was further back on the  
desk. How did it fall off like that? Maybe she has that tele-whatever.  
Ms. Collins: (drags herself into the room) I don't she has telekinesis  
since you threw that ashtray at her head. (pulls herself into a chair and  
lights a cigarette)  
Principle: You again?? (pushes button frantically. Sign falls out of the  
ceiling that says "you're out of sheep) Aw, crap! I'm out of sheep! Was  
that 25 people already?  
Ms. Collins: Well, technically it was 24 since you used it twice on me.  
Principle: (pushes button frantically) Aw crap! I forgot (throws shoe at  
her, hitting her in the head, knocking her unconscious) There. That shut  
her up.  
***Scene Change: Girls' Gym Detention After School. Girls are doing sit-ups  
while Ms. Collins whips them***  
Chris(tine) Hargenson: I won't do it!! I won't do it anymore! You can't  
make us all do it if we all stick together! Right girls?? (silence) Right  
girls?? (silence) why won't you answer me??  
Ms. Collins: Because I duct taped their mouths shut, you dumb slut!  
Chris: You can't get away with this.you.witch!  
Ms. Collins: What'd you call me?? (picks up axe)  
Chris: Whoa oh! (turns and starts to run)  
Ms. Collins: C'mere you little whore!! (chases after Chris with axe)  
Girls: (look at each other in terror)  
Ms. Collins: (stops and turns around) Did I tell you to stop doing sit  
ups?? Just because I stopped whipping you doesn't mean you can stop!! Don't  
make me get the hose!! (continues chasing Chris) 


	2. But Wait! There's More!

***Scene Change: Mrs. Snell's house. Mrs. Snell is reading a book called  
"How to be a Bored Housewife and Do Dick-All" while watching porn and puts  
it down when the doorbell rings**  
Mrs. Snell: (opens the door) Oh, hello Mrs. White.  
Mrs. White: Hello Mrs. Snell. How is Mr. Snell.  
Mrs. Snell: Well, he has his wing, I have mine. (picks up a glass and a  
bottle of vodka)  
Mrs. White: MRS. SNELL!  
Mrs. Snell: Oh, where are my manners. Would you care for some vodka?  
Mrs. White: No, Mrs. Snell. I am here on the Lord's business.  
Mrs. Snell: Your loss. More for me. Down the hatch!  
Mrs. White: I pray you find Jesus!!  
Mrs. Snell: (looks up with cocaine around her nose) I said God Damned!! Oh,  
I'm sorry.  
What were you saying?  
Mrs. White: We're looking currently for gratuities for our ministry.  
Mrs. Snell: Looking for what?  
Mrs. White: We're looking for donations.  
Mrs. Snell: Huh?  
Mrs. White: Look. Just give me your cash, okay?  
Mrs. Snell. Ohhhhhh. Get out.  
Mrs. White: (pulls out a gun) Look. Just cut the shit and fork it over.  
Mrs. Snell: Mrs. White! I don't have any money!  
Mrs. White: (cocks the gun)  
Mrs. Snell: Oh wait! Maybe I have a rolled up fifty in my hollowed out  
bible. Maybe I should go look.  
Mrs. White: Maybe you should.  
*** Scene Change: The White Bungalow. Carrie is sitting in the chair. Mrs.  
White kicks down the front door***  
Mrs. White: So you're a woman now.. and I forgot my house keys this  
morning.  
Carrie: Mama, why didn't you tell me? I was so scared!  
Mrs. White: You may not have meant to, but it happened. You have fallen  
into the Devil's temptation.  
Carrie: No, Mama, I swear I haven't been over to Michael Jackson's house in  
a long time!  
Mrs. White: You fool! How can we sue him for molestation if you're not  
there to molest!  
Carrie: But Mama! He wouldn't touch me even if I was there. Michael Jackson  
likes boys!  
Mrs. White: (gasps) Get down on your knees and pray for forgiveness!  
Carrie: (kneels down)  
Mrs. White: Repeat after me as we pray. (opens up book and reads) ..And  
after he left the Jackson Five.  
Carrie: No, Mama. He didn't leave. He was thrown out!  
Mrs. White: And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her in the face  
with the book) Read it! And after he left the Jackson Five. (smacks her  
with the book) And after he left the Jackson Five (smacks her with the  
book) And after he left the Jackson Five!!  
Carrie: (Takes the book away and smacks her mother with it and then throws  
it over her shoulder and we hear a cat yowl) Mother, I am not praying to  
Michael Jackson. He's not even that talented! He's not even a male anymore!  
Mrs. White: (grabs a hatchet) The bible says "Thou shalt not suffer a non-  
believer to live"  
Carrie: Oh, Mama, why is it always the hatchet with you?? Mama, that's not  
even a bible. That's a Michael Jackson biography that someone threw at you  
from their car window!  
Mrs. White: Go to your closet and pray! Go! (throws Carrie in closet and  
locks it)  
(The closet is dark except for a statue of a crucified Michael Jackson and  
various pictures of Michael Jackson)  
  
***Scene Change: Next morning, the White's kitchen. Mrs. White shuffles in  
and turns on the coffee maker***  
Mrs. White: Carrie? Where did I leave my "Thriller" CD? Carrie? Oh Shit! I  
forgot her in the closet! I've gotta stop doing that!! (Opens closet door  
and Carrie falls out asleep) My God! I've killed her. What would Danger  
Mouse do in this situation? . He would fly around in his rocket car! That's  
what he'd do! (Twirls around the kitchen making plane noises and singing  
the Danger Mouse theme)  
Carrie: (wakes up) Mama?  
Mrs. White: You're alive! It's a miracle! It's fantastic! (singing)  
Wherever there is danger he'll be found! Danger Mouse! (twirls around the  
kitchen and then trips over chair)  
Carrie: Oh God, I've got to move out.  
Mrs. White: It's a good thing Daddy Ralph isn't alive to hear you talk like  
that!  
Carrie: What are you talking about? Daddy Ralph is right there passed out  
on the floor over there.  
Mrs. White: Shit! How long has he been there??  
Carrie: (thinks to herself) 8 years tomorrow.  
Mrs. White: Thank Danger Mouse, My husband's alive (hurls coffee mug at  
him) Get up, you lazy bum! I'm kicking you out!  
Daddy Ralph: (wakes up) Shut yer yap woman! (looks at watch) oh shit! I'm  
eight years late for work!  
Mrs. White: What work? You haven't been employed in twelve years!  
Daddy Ralph: Where are my smokes, woman?  
Mrs. White: Did you look up your ass you drunken fool?  
Daddy Ralph: (looks down in shame) Yes  
Carrie: Fuck you both! I'm going to school! (Carrie walks out the door and  
we see Daddy Ralph thrown out of window by Mrs. White) 


	3. Curiouser and Curioser

***Scene Change: Billy Nolan's car. Chris Hargenson is riding in the  
passenger seat***  
Chris: Billy? (silence) Billy? (silence) Billy?  
Billy: Woman, would you shut the fuck up? (backhands her and opens a beer)  
Chris: You gave me a black-eye you dumb shit!  
Billy: (punches her in the face) Don't call me that! (lights a joint)  
Chris: Well, you are a dumb shit, you dumb shit!  
Billy: (beats her with a two-by-four while railing cocaine off the  
dashboard)  
Chris: You dumb shit! I'm dying now! and If I bleed on my white Prada  
sweater, you are so going  
to pay for it (police sirens as the police pulls over Billy's car) and he  
gave it so me because I'm the most popular in school and then (police  
arrive at window of car)  
Billy: Officer, she's a hooker who climbed into my car and won't get out. I  
didn't even ask her in.  
Officer #1: (Yanks her out of the car and starts to cuff and beat her)  
Chris: .and Muffy said that she was the most popular and I'm like nuh-uh  
and she's like yuh-huh.  
Billy: C'mon. give them a reason.  
Chris: Hey! Let go of me, do you know who I.  
Officer #2: SUSPECT IS RESISTING ARREST! (Peppersprays Chris)  
Officer #1: (to Billy) We'll handle this from here. Have a good night sir.  
Drive safe.  
Billy: (slurred) Will do ossifer (rails line of cocaine from dashboard)  
***Scene Change: Carrie is walking along Carlin Street***  
Carrie: (singing) Stacy's mom has got it going on, Stacy's mom has got it  
go.  
Producer: You're on my movie set!  
Carrie: Movie?  
Producer: Yes! Now see what you've done? You've distracted Scott Wolf!  
Carrie: Scott Wolf?  
Scott Wolf: Yeah, I used to be in Party of Five.  
Carrie: Oh, yeah! Dude, that was, like, 8 years ago. You've gotta move on.  
Scott Wolf: Ang! She's making me feel bad!  
Producer: Stay away from my B-List celebrity!  
Carrie: B-LIST? Who are you kidding?  
Producer: Fine! C-List! Are you happy?  
Lawyer (comes running up waving a piece of paper) Ma'am, we now have a  
court order that requires that you keep at least 50 feet away from any C-  
List celebrity at all times, including Scott Wolf, Kelly Shanigne Williams  
from Family Matters, the Olson Twins, Colin Hanks, the "Dude, you're  
getting a Dell" guy, the "Can you hear me now" guy, Tootie from "The Facts  
of Life", the fat Dixie Chick, that third member of Destiny's Child that no  
one likes, Sean Connery, Rosie O'Donnel and that ugly dorky guy from "The  
OC".  
Carrie: What about the ugly guy from Friends, David Schwimmer?  
Lawyer: That would be acceptable. No one gives a crap about David  
Schwimmer. You can stalk him as much as you want. He'll probably bake you  
cookies for it.  
Producer: Hell, I've stalked him just for the cookies. His Raisin Roundies  
are to die for.  
Carrie: Hooray! I'm gonna get me some cookies! Where the hell did I put my  
night vision goggles?? (Runs off giggling)  
***Scene Change: Sue's Bedroom, Her boyfriend, Tommy Ross is hogtied and  
gagged on the bed, and sue is dressed in leather as a dominatrix***  
Sue: (in a monotone voice)  
ohyoudirtydirtyboyI'mgonnawhipyouandgiveyousuchaspankingyoufilthyfilthystink  
boy  
Tommy: (muffled) Banana  
Sue: (unties the gag) What's wrong dear?  
Tommy: What's wrong with you tonight, Sue? You just don't seem into it.  
Sue: (sighs) It's nothing. I just did a not-so-good thing today and I feel  
kind of bad about it.  
Tommy: No, babe, I liked the spanking, really, those were tears of joy.  
Sue: Not that, you dumbass!  
Tommy: Oh yeah, that's more like it! Talk dirty to me and rub my nipples!  
Sue: Shut your damn hole, Mary, I'm not in the mood.  
Tommy: Then should I take off your panties?  
Sue: Umm. you keep them.  
Tommy: Score! Now I have something to wear to church on Sunday. (chuckles)  
no one will suspect a thing!  
Sue: Will you shut up and listen. I want you to do me a favour.  
Tommy: I'll get the lube.  
Sue: No, douche bad, not that kind of favour. I was a total bitch to Carrie  
White today, so I want you to take her to prom.  
Tommy: Two prom dates? Sweet! Threeway! I'll be the biggest pimp dadd-  
Sue: (interrupting) No, shithead, I want you to take her instead of me.  
Tommy: Will she tie me up and call me names?  
Sue: Maybe if you're good.  
Tommy: Niceness! I should get a new leather thong just for the occasion.  
Sue: Ummm...sure. Whatever. 


End file.
